you, me, and our grandparents

 This picture was taken a few days ago, and it makes me delve deep into my emotions I like to keep to myself. It’s bittersweet for me for many reasons.

It makes me realize how aged my grandma is. Hopefully, by now, you are aware of who she is and have a few memorable years of her yourself. I’m sorry you didn’t get her best years. Even today she’s not at her best. She is fighting an uphill battle of advanced dementia. Despite all of that, she loves you something fierce.

It just reminds me of my grandpa, who as you can see is not present in this picture. He died almost a year ago, and it’s coming at me like a freight train.

Here we are. This is how I will remember him: mustache, no shirt, no teeth, and in his chair.

As I’ve stated before I’ve never been the type of girl to just lay out my emotions, but he was everything to me. The relationship I have/had with my parents is nonexistent and a story for another time. But he was more to me than a grandpa. He was my grandpa, my father figure, the man I looked to for answers, and the only man I knew would love me no matter how bad I fucked up or how well I succeeded (until your dad came along). My grandma was the first woman in my life who also loved me unconditionally until I realized at 26 that my aunt was also that person. I loved him more than I ever knew I could love anyone until you came along.

He died 11.04.14, and I found out I was pregnant with you a few days after the new year. I could not shake the fact that you two would never get to meet seeing as the only thing he ever wanted was for me to have children.

He was a very popular man. Everyone he met loved him, and he was a very generous man. He loved me unconditionally. I wish he could have loved you that way too. To him I was one grandchild of six, but he was my everything.

Love you, B.


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