our plus a day

  
Well B, we’ve had a hard week plus a day. It’s taken me a while to post anything about it. At first, I thought it best to just leave it be and bypass these trying times and not post anything about it. However, my blog to you is about our life together, and unfortunately sad things happen. 

The plus a day happened last week. It was the first year anniversary of the death of my grandpa; I made mention of it a little while ago. The day was last Wednesday. I knew it was the day as soon as I woke up, and my plan was for us to go see him. I hadn’t actually been to his grave since he died. I don’t believe I have to visit him all the time to remember him. He’s everywhere to me. Anyway, I had to push myself to go. I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t go. I was in a bit of denial about the whole thing to begin with. Mourning is a strange roller coaster, for me at least. 

  
Anyway, here we are. This picture was effortless. Your face is my internal emotion about the situation. My face is my external emotion about my internal emotion. Like I said, mourning is a strange roller coaster for me. I’m glad you were there with me for this. Thanks B, love you! 

We love you Grandpa! ❤️

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my parenting philosophy (on you)

The best parenting advice that I’ve heard is to not pay attention to those opinions that are thrust upon you as The Word, and every baby is different. Indeed, every baby is different, and every mom knows their child the best regardless of who’s giving the advice. You all have three major needs right now: a clean diaper, to be fed, and to sleep. Even through that every baby is still different. 

As Roseanne once said,”children are like people like that.” I use quotations, but that’s a ridgid paraphrase from the episode where Becky gets suspended for flipping the bird in her class photo. Do they even do class photos anymore? Today? 2015? Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.

People say I hold you too much. Indeed, I do hold you a lot. You do, for lack of a better word, demand that of me. It’s one of your needs. I hold you a lot for many reasons: 1.  I love you unconditionally. I’ve always wanted you; I wasn’t sure when I’d have you, and now that I have you, I don’t want to let you go. 2. On letting go. There will be a day that you will rebel against me, not talk to me for days, maybe even be really mean to me. A little rebellion is even necessary. It will help you find you, but I hope you won’t be mean to me. That would break my heart. I’m sure that hurts most parents’ hearts. So, to deter this, instilling in even an eight week old, I plan to smother you with love. I did not say spoil, but smother. That way when you do go find yourself you will just shave your head or wear blue lipstick. Your hair will grow back, and that lipstick will wash off, but my mother’s love is eternal. And, you will always be my little girl. 3. On smothering. I smother you (and hold you a lot) because you’re my best friend. Not in that mother-daughter best friend relationship where you’re a terror and too old for your own good, but in a way where I just want the best for you, limitations included, and I want you to feel comfortable coming to me with, and for, anything, any age. And that trust begins today where when I hold you, you are completely comfortable in my arms and aren’t scared that I’ll let go. I may put you down sometimes, but I will never let go. 

  Here’s our first Halloween. Sorry I didn’t dress you up. It’s hard finding clothes that fit you! Happy Halloween, B!

Love, Mom